A Blog of Understanding
This blog is going to be one of the most raw, most "makeup free" and the hardest blog I have ever written. So, prepare your hearts.
With the two year anniversary since my dad passed away and his birthday coming up, it's easy to say that this week has been the hardest week that I have had since right after his death. I have spend the last three days crying uncontrollably at the most inconvenient of times. Throughout the week I have felt hope flee from me and purpose hide it's face. I spent days not understanding why as soon as I feel the Lord near that my joy seemed to fade as the days come nearer to the twenty-fifth. I didn't understand why, for the first time in years, I was overcome with so much pain that I truly considered calling it quits. I was ready to just throw my towel in and say "Okay, Satan, I give up. You win. I can't do this anymore". It wasn't until I heard "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan with different eyes that I finally felt a peace and understanding for God allowing this pain and sorrow into my life. In the song around 6:27 he talks about his friend's death and he says "I thought about You the day Steven died and You met me between my breaking..." At that moment I realized that God isn't against me, sadness is a part of life, but God doesn't make me walk in it alone. He meets me in my brokenness, in my tear-felt nights, in my "I'm trying so hard to understand" mind. He picks up the pieces as they explode from my heart. I just need to reach out to Him for help. My dad loved me, but my Heavenly Father loves me even more. "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39. I got his stubbornness, but I have turned it into determination. I have a purpose, to make my dad and Father proud, and I refuse to let satan rob me of my joy or the things that God has in store for my life.
"Dear dad,
It's been a long two years without you. I miss your voice. I miss your hugs. I miss you tucking me in while I sleep on your favorite couch. I miss everything. Things have been okay since you have been gone, I suppose. Mom isn't getting any better and I want nothing more than to talk to you, because you always seemed to have the words to say. You were the lifejacket in a life that was surrounded by storms. I am so sorry for putting work before you when all you wanted to do was spend time with me. Once you passed away I realized that I can't be comforted by money, or boys, or clothes. I realized that you were my comfort, though I didn't see you as much as I should have. But I have grown so much in these last two years. I know you would be so proud to call me your little girl. I am already a sophomore in college, and I will hopefully be leaving for Liberty next fall. My major is going to be TESOL so I will be traveling and teaching, which wouldn't surprise you since you have always told me that I could never stay in one spot long. I am working three jobs, and taking an online class (which hands down was not the smartest decision I have ever made) but I will be done with the class in a week. I am also looking at an internship in Georgia for next summer. You would love it there because it's warm, just like your house always was. A toasty 80 degrees in the winter! Oh my, how proud you would be of me. I changed churches, and I couldn't be happier. You thought that I was on fire for the Lord two years ago, but that was nothing! The Lord has set a blaze in me. I could go on and on but I will leave it with 'I really love you, and I hope that I am continuing to make you proud.'"
I know that he will never get the opportunity to read this, but this is closure.
How He Loves Us - John Mark McMillan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0luHiWwi08
Psalm 68:5
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy."
With the two year anniversary since my dad passed away and his birthday coming up, it's easy to say that this week has been the hardest week that I have had since right after his death. I have spend the last three days crying uncontrollably at the most inconvenient of times. Throughout the week I have felt hope flee from me and purpose hide it's face. I spent days not understanding why as soon as I feel the Lord near that my joy seemed to fade as the days come nearer to the twenty-fifth. I didn't understand why, for the first time in years, I was overcome with so much pain that I truly considered calling it quits. I was ready to just throw my towel in and say "Okay, Satan, I give up. You win. I can't do this anymore". It wasn't until I heard "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan with different eyes that I finally felt a peace and understanding for God allowing this pain and sorrow into my life. In the song around 6:27 he talks about his friend's death and he says "I thought about You the day Steven died and You met me between my breaking..." At that moment I realized that God isn't against me, sadness is a part of life, but God doesn't make me walk in it alone. He meets me in my brokenness, in my tear-felt nights, in my "I'm trying so hard to understand" mind. He picks up the pieces as they explode from my heart. I just need to reach out to Him for help. My dad loved me, but my Heavenly Father loves me even more. "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39. I got his stubbornness, but I have turned it into determination. I have a purpose, to make my dad and Father proud, and I refuse to let satan rob me of my joy or the things that God has in store for my life.
"Dear dad,
It's been a long two years without you. I miss your voice. I miss your hugs. I miss you tucking me in while I sleep on your favorite couch. I miss everything. Things have been okay since you have been gone, I suppose. Mom isn't getting any better and I want nothing more than to talk to you, because you always seemed to have the words to say. You were the lifejacket in a life that was surrounded by storms. I am so sorry for putting work before you when all you wanted to do was spend time with me. Once you passed away I realized that I can't be comforted by money, or boys, or clothes. I realized that you were my comfort, though I didn't see you as much as I should have. But I have grown so much in these last two years. I know you would be so proud to call me your little girl. I am already a sophomore in college, and I will hopefully be leaving for Liberty next fall. My major is going to be TESOL so I will be traveling and teaching, which wouldn't surprise you since you have always told me that I could never stay in one spot long. I am working three jobs, and taking an online class (which hands down was not the smartest decision I have ever made) but I will be done with the class in a week. I am also looking at an internship in Georgia for next summer. You would love it there because it's warm, just like your house always was. A toasty 80 degrees in the winter! Oh my, how proud you would be of me. I changed churches, and I couldn't be happier. You thought that I was on fire for the Lord two years ago, but that was nothing! The Lord has set a blaze in me. I could go on and on but I will leave it with 'I really love you, and I hope that I am continuing to make you proud.'"
I know that he will never get the opportunity to read this, but this is closure.
How He Loves Us - John Mark McMillan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0luHiWwi08
Psalm 68:5
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy."
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