I Could Have, But I Didn't
As I was scrolling through Facebook a few weeks back and I came across an emergency alert from Eastlake's police department for a kid I went to high school with. What was he wanted for? Attempted murder. My heart shattered within me. This isn't the first person I know to show up on the police page or obituary. Since I have graduated I have had more people than I can count on one hand that I knew growing up that were arrested for abuse, stealing or drugs. I have seen obituaries on kids my age dead from overdoses, and I have seen police pages for those getting locked up for months or years. The kids around me are dying, drugging and dealing. And the hardest part of it all is the kids I look at came from lives similar to mine, and yet we chose different paths.
I chose light, and they chose darkness.
My heart is so heavy in the midst of writing these words. My heart is heavy to think that they were sitting up at night, alone, in their sadness only to wake up and put on their hard heart once more. My heart is heavy to know that they were looking for a joy that was only a fleeting moment of an adrenaline rush or drug high. My heart is heavy to know that they are allowing their fleshly desires to reign which only leads to their anxieties and depressions they hide. My heart is heavy to know that they are choosing this. That they are running from God, whether knowingly or not.
I have had many people ask how I didn't turn out that way, and in all honesty, to be terribly but wonderfully cliché I can say that it was Jesus. I could not imagine doing this life without Him. Many people that have dealt with this pain feel as though they need to run from Him, when I thought the only logical thing was to run to Him. Full speed, like a child to their Father. One that rests in the comfort of their Father's arms and promises. Because He was my hope when I felt hopeless, my Help when I felt helpless and my Love when I felt loveless.
In the dark hours of the night, when I would find myself bawled up and drenched in tears, I couldn't imagine not calling out to Him. In the nights when scars and scabs marked my body, and my self-image was skewed and distorted. In the nights when I again was not good enough for the boy I thought would be my forever. In the nights when I had thoughts about getting drunk and forgetting. In the nights when I considered taking my own life because I thought I couldn't make it another day. I spent so many hours praying in those moments, and most nights I would pray until I finally fell asleep. And when I would wake I would feel this wave of peace rush over me. I couldn't imagine ever sitting there and doubting God, because in those hours God was all I had... And all I needed.
I could have looked to drugs and alcohol, but I didn't. I could have looked to one-night-stands and drunken hookups, but I didn't. I could have looked to boyfriends and fleeting love, but I didn't. I could have looked to ____, but I didn't. Why? Because I have tasted the sweetest of Love's and nothing can get better than that.
Thank You God for Saving Me - Chris Tomlin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pssz5HH7Cp8
Ephesians 4:4-14
" For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. In him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, He made known to us the mystery of his will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of His glory."
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