In the Middle of the Unknown

Monday's are hard. Especially when that Monday is started with a full out break down... tears and all.

This morning as I was preparing to do my devotions and eat my breakfast I got an email from Cedarville. As I opened I read the words, "...we do not accept sign language as a language and we require 2+ years of the same language in high school language... I'm estimating it will take you 3 years (6 semesters) to finish." Sign language was the language I chose at Lakeland and I took only one year of Spanish and one year of French which was fine to have my diploma. But not for Cedarville. I felt my heart in my throat and a pit in my stomach. My two and a half years of college meant absolutely nothing. Immediately my plans were crushed in front of me and my hard work felt like it was being thrown out the door at impeccable speeds. I walked out into the living room and broke down. Right there. Tears falling. Makeup running. It was a mess (no pun intended).

I went back into my room and just sat there as my breakfast and coffee ran cold. I just called out to God and asked Him to give me what I need and show me what I need to do. I already knew my options, but I didn't know what God's plan was for me. I thought that the wait and unknown of schooling was over, but little did I know... it wasn't.

I found myself in the midst of what seemed like senior year all over again, except now I wasn't running from anything, rather, running towards something. Running towards my dreams, running towards an intense relationship with Christ, running towards 'freedom' and running towards a fresh start. But, I forgot that running towards something always results in a running away from something else and it's not always in a bad way. If I stand at a tree and run towards a house inevitably I will begin to run away from the tree and vice versa.

As I was talking to my grandma she started truly digging at my heart, and then we got to the big question: why did I want to leave?

I don't know why that question hit me so hard, but it did. Why was I so set on leaving? The more I thought about it the clearer the answer was... I blurted out from the heart, "Because I feel like a complete failure because I'm still here in this town." There it was. Not saying that there were no good reasons of wanting to leave because there are, but I think in that moment God reflected the real heart behind my decision. I wanted success so badly that I failed to seek God first in it.

But what is success without God? Nothing. It's an empty void. It's a forever longing and seeking. It's unobtainable. Because unless the One that brings the ultimate contentment is at the center you will forever been searching for a center. Success isn't what school I go to, what town I live in, how many years I went to college or even what those around me seem to be doing. Success is when my life is realigned with my Savior's and my will is in tandem with His.

I had the idea that just because this was a good thing that it was a God thing, so I failed to cry out in prayer before I made my decision. Now, I find myself on my knees begging Him to speak to me and show me what He wants for my life in this moment. For Him to give me the peace and understanding if He calls me to stay and the guidance if He calls me to go.

Does this mean I know what I'm going to do? Absolutely not. I'm still unsure, but I'm not uneasy because I know where my future lies and I know that the One who holds it is for me.



Speak to Me - Kari Jobe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2yTJVTrbmQ 



Jeremiah 29:11-13
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."