In the Middle of Gethsemane

If I could describe this season in one word it would be lonely. No, not lonely in the sense of desire for a significant other, or a house with 2.5 kids, or a black lab. Lonely purest form of the word lonely. Lonely because I feel alone. Lonely because it feels like God has built up a brick wall around me to preserve me for a season unknown. Lonely because little information has been given during the brick laying process. 

This season has been a very odd season, almost like my senior year of High school. It is almost as if I was running through a mansion with open doors and a gust of wind blew all the doors shut causing them to lock from the inside. I feel as though I am sitting in the hallway without a key, confused and rather sad. I don't fit into any group, all my passions have fallen away, and (for the sake of this blog) crap has hit the fan. Even writing these words, if I'm honest, makes me well up with tears.  

These past 4 months have been like God slammed on the breaks and my life is at a standstill. God has used this time to get me alone, for what reason I'm still unsure. I don't know if He is preparing me for my greatest call or if this is just a test of my faithfulness in the midst of a shaking foundation, but I do know this process hurts. It has caused many days of my phone remaining on 'do not disturb', many tearful nights, and many God why's. I know I don't need to understand, but I so badly want to. I am in a desert longing for water. And many of you may have found yourself here, too.

Though, reader, I don't have the answers I do have scripture. I do have the proven faithfulness of the God I serve. And as I was praying over what God wanted to reveal to me in this season He reminded me of Jesus's time spent in the wilderness before His greatest call to ministry in Matthew 4. 

After I reread this chapter I realized something I never took into account before, Jesus was lead into the wilderness first. He was tested in the wilderness before He had disciples, before He began preached, before He healed, and before He fulfilled the greatest purpose of His life: to be the sacrifice for all sins past present and future. 

In my bible the title over verse 12 is "Jesus begins to preach". Notice that it does not say "Jesus continues to preach". Jesus was taken into the wilderness to spend time alone with His Father so He could use Him for all He created Him for. I truly believe the time Jesus spent in the wilderness prepared His heart for Gethsemane. Though He sweat blood in anguish knowing what needed to be done, He submitted to God's will (Luke:41-44) because spent time alone getting to know His Father. 

I don't know what this wilderness holds for me, but I do know that I need to use this wilderness to get to know my Father's loving heart. At the end of this wilderness will be a great calling, one that I don't even know yet, but He does and that's all I need.

My reader, I don't know what season your in or where you stand with Christ, but I do know that all wildernesses are for a season and for a reason. They don't feel good, but God has always and will always have a purpose for them. We may not see why right now, or even 10 years from now, but nothing that God brings us through goes void. It will all be used.