Through the Winter
In the midst of the chaos I realized that I never really truly had moments of pure silence with Him while I was gone. Moments I was just silent. Moments where it wasn't my voice, or other's voices, over His. Moments where there wasn't a pad playing in the background to 'set the mood just right for worship'. Moments where I just listen for the melodious nature of what He has created.
Since I have been home from Youth With a Mission (YWAM) I have been processing my season there. There are things I absolutely loved at YWAM, but overall If I'm honest, my season there felt like a season of winter. I spent much of the five months asking why I was there because I didn't feel my fullest. I spent many days and nights crying in frustration and confusion. It was a good season and I learned a lot, but I didn't feel the nearness of Christ the way I did when I was at home or at camp. When I left for YWAM I thought I would experience God in radical ways, and though I suppose you can say I did, I didn't feel near to Him. If I'm going to be completely transparent -- I felt less near to Him.
Finally, in my silent moment on the porch I asked the question that I have been avoiding: Why, God, would you take me out of a season of deep service and put me in a season where I felt so dry? As I sat there with tear-filled eyes I looked at a new bud emerging from ground that months prior seemed dead. Because, Devon, I had to bring you through a season of winter to give you spring. You see, in the middle of the winter things seem dead, but there is life beyond the surface. Winter is not a season that goes void, it's a season that brings fresh life. I was in awe. I never thought of my last season to be a season was to simply project me into my next season.
My dear reader, the season God has you in may not make sense, but it is never a pointless season. God brings you to and through things to prepare you for the seasons to come, the seasons He has laid out for you. Seasons you will not be ready for until you pass through the season you're in currently.
I would have been so content with God simply speaking that, but He had more to reveal. I asked my next burning question: Why would you allow me to raise support and move 1700 miles away just to show me that? Before I could finish the question He answered, because I had to bring you to a season out of your control so I could realign your life for the seasons you have been running from. Wow. That hit hard.
Have you ever been in a season where you feel like you have a desire but you can't quite put your finger on it, so instead you find yourself spinning your wheels to find what it is? That's where I was. I was working 3 jobs that I loved, doing ministry I loved, and going to school for something I thought I loved with an end-goal in sight. But, you see, when people asked I didn't know ultimately what I wanted to do. I didn't know what my passion truly was because I never really had a season to think about it. These past 5 months were a season to think about them, and God showed me that my passions were ones I had and could run from. Instead He put me in a season where running wasn't an option and submission became a lifestyle.
I had one last question: What do you want to show me in this season that you have prepared me for in the last season? This one was a hard question. One I was afraid to have answered, but in His grace He answered simply, I needed to show you reliance on Me. You never had to fully rely on me before, but now you have given me every area. I don't know where you are at in your walk with Christ, but I think this is a turning point question. It's a question that prepares you of what to expect in the season you're in and 'bind your wandering heart to 'thee' so you run with preparation and aim (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).
If you get nothing else from my blog, I pray you get this:
Cling to Christ. In the seasons of winter, cling to Christ. In the seasons of spring's new growth, cling to Christ. In the season of drought, cling to Christ. In the seasons of great harvest, cling to Christ. He is your portion forever. Cling to Him, for He is good.Waiting Here for You - Cristy Nockles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3OEGnH5x8g
Jeremiah 10:23-24
Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps. Discipline me, Lord, but only in due measure — not in your anger, or you will reduce me to nothing.
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